It looks like crushed ice. Has some creep been lurking in my yard this morning? The nerve! First he lurks, then he dumps out his Big Gulp in my 1.8 billion dollar landscaping.
Whoa! It's everywhere! No way that all came from a Big Gulp.
Hey! This isn't crunchy at all!
Ewwwwwww! It's all squishy and gelatinous!!!
Ewwwwwww! The Man! The Man! Come here! Look at this stuff! What is it! Touch it! Touch it! It's squishy!
Sez The Man: I'm not going to touch it. Are you crazy!
Ewwwww! Poke it with your shoe or something! Look--it's squishy!
Sez The Man: Ewww! It is squishy. Gross! WTF?
WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS IT?
Is it a fungus? Is it the spores of an alien life form come to body-snatch us or eat our brains? Why did they have to land here? Why couldn't they have gone across the street to the McMansion family? Why couldn't they have gone to the other side of the Potomac? Why couldn't they have gone downtown so we could get a day off work?
Maybe I can scoop it up with a snow shovel and kill it with bleach. Maybe bleach is food for them on their world.
Oh no! What am I going to do?
I am going to drink some coffee and go to work and when the dullness of my job calms me down (but before I lapse into a coma of boredom) I am going to email the landscaper and she is going to have a reasonable explanation for this.
It's fertilizer. It starts out granular, but turns into gelatin when it rains, which I wouldn't know because it hasn't rained here in about two months.
Whatever. It's still really, really gross. Jelly--or "aspic" (gag, swallow)-- that doesn't taste like fruit is unspeakably disgusting. Ew.
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